In this blog I wa
nted to focus on something we all experience – thinking. Did you know we have 12,000 – 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those thoughts, 80% are found to be negative, and 95% are the same repetitive thoughts as the day before. (National Science Foundation, 2005) This fascinated me. In another study (Leahy, 2005, Study of Cornell University), scientists found that 85% of what we worry about never happens, 15% of the worries did happen, and 79% of the participants discovered that they handled the difficulty better than they expected, or that the difficulty taught them a lesson worth learning.
The other day I found myself reminding my kids to challenge their thinking about a situation, helping them see there was another way of looking and thinking about what they were experiencing. My intention was for them to realize that we sometimes have to step away and look at things from another perspective. This is much harder than it seems. Often it is easier to see the negative side of things. Choosing to focus on and think positively about situations, mundane tasks, and people does not always come naturally.
Our brains are actually wired to look for things that can go wrong. The negative/potential dangers. This served us well in times when instincts were all we had to keep us alive but our focus can get stuck on all the bad things that can happen. Don’t get me wrong, it is always important to analyze potential dangers and downfalls. The problem happens when our brains get stuck and we are unable to see the positive side of things. This often happens in life when we are stressed and we try to navigate our busy days. We can start to function on autopilot. It is hard to thrive when we are on autopilot. We want to become more conscious and present. Mindfulness is often a great tool to begin to implement new healthy habits.
We can begin to notice and become mindful of these negative thoughts, such as “I’ll never make the team. Why even try out.”, “I’m not smart”, and for parents “I should be doing more”, “I’m not enough”, and so on. Becoming aware of these thoughts is the first step. Then, after you simply notice these thoughts I’d like you to go a step further and challenge these thoughts. Challenge the idea that this is the only way of thinking about this thought. I often use 3 questions to really get to the nitty gritty of negative thinking loops.
- Is this the only outcome that is possible?
- Is my thought based on reality or fiction?
- Does my thought begin with “what if”?
“What if” is a future thinking trap. This thinking often sets us up for frustration because “what if” thinking puts us in the future, which we cannot control. Switch these thoughts to “what is” to eliminate negative/faulty thinking.
These questions help us become aware of our thoughts, which actually leads to helping us find pockets of joy in our day.
In counseling, one therapeutic approach that aligns beautifully with noticing the power of our thoughts is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I love using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in counseling. In CBT we learn how our thoughts create a feeling, and then feelings manifest into behaviors which become how we experience our day.
THOUGHTS – FEELINGS – BEHAVIORS
When I really think about this formula, I feel like I have discovered a secret recipe or something so mysterious and valuable. A secret formula: THOUGHTS create a FEELING which then creates a BEHAVIOR.
It sounds so simple. Got it. THOUGHTS-FEELINGS-BEHAVIOR. What could go wrong, right? Although it is a simple concept, it is much harder to implement with the stress of everyday life. I’d like to share a few counseling tips that may help you put this secret recipe to work in your life.
Gratitude Journal – You’ll read about this often from me, but here it is again. Begin a habit of gratitude. Journal or write down things you are thankful for. You can also start a gratitude jar to include the whole family. Just try it! Focus on the pockets of joy – notice them. Your brain will start to rewire itself to notice some positive thoughts throughout the day. You’ll feel happier! You have nothing to lose! Try implementing a habit of gratitude. (Start now and you can get prepared – I’ll share a great family gratitude activity with Thanksgiving approaching. Stay tuned for future blogs.)
Thinking log – Sounds a little different, but it’s a simple activity. Get a notebook and jot down thoughts, the time of day you have them, and the activity you are doing when you experience them. You may be surprised to see patterns in negative thinking, and learn triggers that you can associate with your negative thinking loops. For example, “Wow, I seem to have a really hard time with worried thoughts as I settle for bed. I seem more vulnerable to negative thinking loops and anxiety brain at night.” Knowing this empowers you to be proactive. You can establish a peaceful bedtime routine, include a meditation or sleep story (check out the 10% Happier or Headspace apps). Try journaling and reflect on your day with writing prompts, such as “What brought me joy?” Or maybe you notice a pattern of anxiety brain or negative thinking loops in your child every morning. This information can help you make a plan to help your child. Maybe moving their bedtime up so they wake up more rested.
Pockets of Joy – Create a log of activities that bring you joy. Simple activities. Maybe it’s a walk, reading a book, trying a new recipe, grabbing a coffee with a friend. For your children and teens maybe it’s time with friends, riding bikes, singing, listening to music. After you write these down schedule them into your week. When we are stressed we often push the things out of our day that we enjoy the most. Schedule those things as a priority.
Although it may not be a secret recipe, try implementing these new habits and notice the changes in your THINKING – FEELING – BEHAVIOR loop. Are your days more enjoyable? Notice with your partner, child, or teen – reflect together. This can be a great experience to try together as a family.
Wishing you happiness and health!
Be Well, Dr. Hernandez